There’s an old saying that goes something like this: “People make plans and God laughs.” All I ever wanted for as long as I remember was to be a mama. In the meantime, I’d be everything else I could be. I spent half my life (yes, even teenage years) obeying all the rules, doing all my jobs faithfully, trying to never cause any trouble or attract any attention to myself. At the same time, the urge to “be the best” at absolutely everything burned hot inside me. I never slept, overachieved everything, mentally and physically.

When I finally got married, I immediately set out to get pregnant. God laughed. I tried for over 15 years. The only thing that ever grew inside me were tumors. Surgery after surgery, treatment after treatment, nothing worked. I ended up bleeding almost to death and, at the end, gave in to getting a hysterectomy. What I didn’t know at the time, but found out years later, is that my appendix got nicked in the process. I had severe pain after that surgery, a much more inordinate level than expected. No one did anything about it. I spent weeks in bed and didn’t care if I lived or died. In fact, I preferred to die. However, I didn’t. Obviously.

Instead, I struggled through the next two years unlike any struggle I’d ever experienced. Massive weight gain, lethargy, fatigue, 24/7 body-wide pain. Physically, I felt like I’d been flayed alive. Emotionally, I wasn’t even surviving; I was barely existing. Finally, someone convinced me to see a doctor. I did, and suddenly, someone was convincing me this wasn’t “all in my head.” This was real. He diagnosed me with fibromyalgia and told me I needed help. Among other things, he told me that fibromyalgia usually is triggered by severe abdominal trauma (check), death of a loved one or other severe loss (check), or childhood trauma (check check check).

Several counselors, physical therapists, neurologists, and cardiologists later, I have finally discovered a way to express and heal. Enter: my art. Each piece includes a word or words that describe the situation and the emotions behind it. Some are self-explanatory; some have a pretty good story behind them. I am currently working with a counselor (whose patience, kindness, and dedication to facilitate my transformation to wholeness is phenomenal) to dig, heal, and be better. Rinse and repeat. Art is a large part of that process.

While there is a wide range of genres included, this site is mostly for those who might be struggling and need to know they’re not alone; they’re not the “only one” to have these thoughts, feelings, emotions. You are normal. You are awesome. Hold strong. There is a way to heal and be better. I must warn the viewer: some of these pieces are extremely graphic and heavy. Please exercise caution over young viewers and proceed as you feel they are ready. I’ve tried to categorize them so you’re able to choose what you feel ready to see. This is not a “for profit” endeavor; only an attempt to encourage others in their healing journey. Feel free to visit the “Request” section. I am happy to try to depict what you’re feeling if you are struggling to do it yourself.

My journey is not finished; I’m still struggling; I have good days and bad days. I have good minutes and bad minutes. I know it’ll get better, because I CAN do hard things. And the end is worth the journey. My faith in God has been my mainstay, comfort, and guide throughout, and I would be remiss to leave that out. It is through many miracles and God’s help, including the creation and operation of this site, that I am this far in the process. There is a happy ending to the infertility piece as well. Due to the tenets of my faith, I have many children. They didn’t grow under my heart, but IN it. Humans of all sizes that I’ve helped raise, mothered, and been a safe space to refer to me as “mama”. My heart is full on that score. I am healing; I am learning to cry and express myself. Your own soul is worthy of healing and expression. God bless.

Explore the gallery at your own pace. Every piece is a step in a long journey, shared in the hope that it helps someone else.